lump-a-coal, anyone?

Dear Family, Friends and Loved Ones,

I am writing today to apologize in advance for the fact that you will not be receiving a holiday gift from me this year. Please don't take it personally; it's not your fault, and I hope you know that you are extremely important to me. Unfortunately, I have exhausted all of my time and money on people I know and love far less than you.

First, there's the time issue. You may not have realized this but I am extremely popular. I have thirteen holiday parties to attend in the next week alone, each of which necessitates a hostess gift and more often than not, a covered dish that serves fifty to one hundred people. (Isn't the whole idea of a party to provide people with food? I can eat my own sausage balls at home without having to pay a babysitter or put on mascara. But I digress.) I will be enjoying these parties in between attending the kids' respective school Holiday Extravaganzas, dirtying my windows with faux-snow (which I'm hoping will distract the children from the fact that they're not getting a trampoline—again—this year), sweeping up a steady stream of broken ornaments, running thirteen miles a day in the hope of squeezing into the one fancy dress I own by New Years, baking bottomless batches of reindeer cookies (slice-and-bake, but still), working overtime to compensate in advance for the three days I plan to take off work while the kids are out of school, running back to the drug store for yet another roll of Scotch tape and every single day cleaning up at least one pile of tinsel-filled cat puke. So while I really care about you on a deep and profound level—and I certainly understand, theoretically at least, that my holiday energies should be directed toward my nearest and dearest—I just don't have time to shop for a personalized token of my affection for you. (I know, you pick up gifts all year long and stash them away so you can avoid this mess. Naturally you wrapped and shipped the entire haul by Halloween, too. I want to be like you, really I do. But I'm not.)

Even if I did have a spare hour to hit the mall or scour eBay, there's the money part. I don't have any. I'm not eating out of dumpsters or anything, but any disposable income I might have had has already been fully disposed of. I've written more checks this month than a politician does during an entire campaign and bought more useless trinkets than grandma probably owned in her lifetime. It may seem unfair, and it is: Unlike you, the recipients of these gifts do not love me unconditionally; in fact, I don't even know some of their first names. Nevertheless, a combination of obligation and fear has rendered me broke. There's my kindly mail carrier (I get a lot of mail and the man has never once given me a dirty look, even as he limps up my front path buried behind a stack of Pottery Barn catalogs), the trash and recycling collectors (who if recognized promptly and sufficiently tend to overlook the overflowing post-holiday bins and cheerfully whisk the excess away), my hairdresser (the woman is booked six months in advance but somehow manages to squeeze me in when I have a root emergency; can you blame me if I'm not willing to jeopardize this relationship?), our arsenal of babysitters (they put up with our kids and we are pretty sure they don't steal our stuff), the FedEx and UPS guys (both of whom have great legs, wear shorts all year long and bring treats for the dog), the gal who scrubs my toilet once a month (she scrubs my toilet!), the person of unknown age, sex and gender who faithfully launches our newspaper almost all the way to the front door in the darkest pre-dawn hours (I've grown fond of this luxury), my pedicurist (she bows in front of me wielding extremely sharp tools; do I need to say more?), the kids' teachers (and frankly if they don't deserve a little holiday cheer, I don't know who does) and of course the gardener (who actually saves me from having to tip a manicurist as well as a pedicurist, so in a way he's a wash). Thankfully, we walk the kids to school, or I understand the bus driver would be expecting a handout as well.

I do hope you understand, and if you've already bought a gift for me, feel free to return it, regift it, keep it for yourself or hang onto it until my birthday. Maybe your hairdresser might like it? Just a thought.

Love,
Jenna


p.s. You might be happy to note that I no longer have time to work out, so there will be no personal trainer walking around with the iPod you were hoping to get from me.